If I Only Had a Heart
by cagedwriter32
Summary: Lovino Vargas is a 16 year old boy held captive by Alfred a 22 year old who thinks its funny to get STD's Lovino thinks no one could save him from this hell, that is until he meets Antonio.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I was listening to a song earlier today and decided to write a story about it please do not hate me for not updating some stories, I like them and all but I have gotten some disrespectful reviews on one so I lost all inspiration to continue with that story, But I do want to finish Call it love, this story will be kind of heart breaking for my Alfred lovers out there, please be respectful in the reviews, I love you all so much and take what you say in. so anyway here it is!**

_**Chapter one: Do you feel like a man?**_

Lovino stared at his hands, his hazel eyes full of hate. Why did he hate himself? One reason. Alfred. Lovino shuddered at the name and curled up into a ball under his covers. Alfred was his "Master". He was a tall 22 year old American that on the outside probably looked like the most affectionate idiot to ever walk the planet, but on the inside he was full of hate and disgust. Lovino had been kidnapped away from his family at the age of 10 and shipped off to America, where he was sold to Alfred. Lovino hated Alfred with a passion since the first day they met. The American was so rude, he shoved a bag over Lovino's head so when they drove to Alfred's house he wouldn't be able to find his way back, and pushed him into the car. When they arrived to the mansion like house Lovino was immediately forced into a small, dimly lit, stone room that did not have any windows. He was fed twice a day and got a small gallon of water for the whole week. After only a week of living there Lovino missed his family so much. He dreamed of them riding gallantly on horses and saving him. But, to Lovino's distress, they never came. He missed his brother most of all, even if the little 8 year old was treated much better then Lovino, He still missed him with all of his heart.

After 5 years of sitting alone in the small prison, Lovino was greeted one morning by a man with a mask over his head. He was told by the man that Alfred needed to see him. Lovino wasn't quite sure who Alfred was but he went along with it and followed the man up a few flights of stairs and into a large open room. He looked around until he spotted the American lying on the futon at the edge of the room, smirking at Lovino.

"Hello." Alfred purred.

"H-hello…" Lovino stuttered and avoided looking into Alfred's eyes.

"Come here, love. I don't bite." Alfred's smirk widened as he opened his arms for the small teen.

"I-I… um sir why… why did you want me?" Lovino asked quietly, not moving towards Alfred. The older man pouted in response and let his arms fall back into his lap lazily. "Isn't it obvious? I want you to sleep with me." Alfred replied, obviously irritated that the smaller boy did not immediately fall for him.

"Excuse me?" Lovino growled, suddenly finding courage he and Alfred did not know he possessed. "I am _not_ doing that."

"Oh but you are." Alfred's smirk returned, he liked the feisty ones better.

"No." Lovino said firmly, lifting his head to meet Alfred's gaze with a glare.

"Yes." Alfred snapped, losing patience with the smaller boy.

"I said no," Lovino spat, Alfred stood up and began to approach the boy. "No means no you fucking ba-" Lovino was interrupted by a large hand smacking his harshly across the face. Alfred leaned in closely to Lovino's ear. "I waited for you for five fucking years to grow the hell up. I am not waiting for you to say yes. I will not wait any longer." Alfred then dragged Lovino to the couch.

Lovino growled lowly in disgust of that horrible memory, he shook the memory away and tried to focus on tomorrow. Tomorrow was his first day of school, first day of a normal life. It had taken Lovino a whole year of sucking up and sucking dicks to get Alfred to let him go to school. Before Lovino was taken to America he had learned a lot from his mother and was far to advanced to be able to attend his village's only school, so he just didn't go.

Lovino shook in fear as he glanced at his clock. _Four more hours, _he told himself. Lovino rolled over onto his stomach, burring his head in the pillow, trying to sleep so he didn't look like a vampire in the morning. But lady luck had screwed him for so long eventually Lovino gave up and gave into his fears, letting them take over his mind and send him into a comatose like state. He liked when he went into this state of mind, nothing could get to him. He was safe, even if it was only for a few moments.

Lovino was pulled out of his comatose by a loud banging on the door. "It's only 6:15…" Lovino thought aloud. "What the hell does that bastard want? School starts at 7:30." Nevertheless Lovino stood up and trudged to the door, not wanting to open it.

"What?" Lovino demanded as he opened the door, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes.

"Get ready for school." Alfred ordered. "Unless you would like me to dress you." He offered, smirking.

"Fuck off you prick." Lovino glared, hate filling his weary eyes. "I hate you so much I can't wait until you die."

"Aw Lovs, Don't be so cruel," Alfred clutched his chest. "It hurts my heart. Now get ready you little bitch before I think twice about taking you to school."

Lovino was ready within ten minutes. He was dressed in a dark blue V-neck and light brown slacks. He felt like he was overdressed just to go to school so he took a quick look in the bathroom's mirror at himself. What he saw shocked him. In the mirror was a small thin boy who looked like he was only twelve years old; and could be mistaken as a girl. The boy in the mirror had cuts, bruises, whip marks, you name it all up his arms and even some on his face. Lovino gasped and took a step back, How was he going to make any friends? How the hell was anyone going to even look at him without throwing up? He looked disgustingly pale, the cuts made him look like a emo psycho child, and to top it all off he had the fucking annoying curl on the side of his head.

Instead of taking another glimpse in the mirror, Lovino made a bee line out of the bathroom and back to his room where he slid on an oversized red hoodie, pulling the hood over his head just in case. He rushed downstairs and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a weird teenage boy in the kitchen instead of Alfred.

"Who… Who are you?" Lovino asked, to shocked that anyone had gotten into this prison of a house.

"Oh, I'm Antonio." The teen smiled at Lovino.

Lovino stared at the boy for a long moment. He was tall and had perfectly wavy hair, he was muscular and his smile was worth melting for. But what stood out to Lovino the most was his eyes. Oh god how that beautiful color of green reminded him of the bright fireworks he use to watch with his brother on New Year's. That color or green made him long for home. Lovino stared at Antonio for a while before realizing something, his heart was beating so hard it felt like it was about to just pop right out of his chest. _What the hell? Am I sick?_ Lovino reached down and punched his chest lightly. Dammit the stupid beating wouldn't stop. Then Lovino remember something his grandfather told him long ago, "I loved her so much my heart would start doing backflips in my chest." Lovino stared at the boy, his mouth hanging open. Surely it wasn't love, he couldn't love. Not anymore, Alfred took that from him. But the beating in his chest just wouldn't stop…

"Are you ok?" Antonio asked, worry spreading across his face like a wild fire. Lovino snapped out of his daze and nodded quickly.

"I'm fine, what are you doing here?" Lovino asked, trying to change the subject before Antonio tried to pry.

"I am here to take…" Antonio slipped a note out of his pocket and read it over. "Low-vee-no… to school."

Lovino laughed quickly at the horrible pronunciation of his name. "It's Lovino. And here I am. Who let you in anyway?"

"A guy named Alfred. He said I was to wait here until he got you, but looks like you found me!" Antonio grinned and hugged Lovino tightly.

"Whoa!" Lovino pushed Antonio off of him, "Don't just go around hugging people you stupid bastard!" **(A/N: Just for you piebro) **Antonio just laughed and shrugged.

"Most women find it adorable."

"Do I look like a fucking woman to you?!" Lovino shouted, but before Antonio could answer Lovino cut him off. "You know what don't answer that."

"Looks like you two are getting off to a good start."

Lovino whirled around to see Alfred. His heart stopped, Alfred was smirking at Antonio. Lovino quickly stepped in front of Antonio as if protecting him from Alfred. Alfred always slept around, Lovino knew that, he knew that Alfred never truly loved people, he just gave them a good time. But Lovino couldn't let him have Antonio. Antonio seemed like a good person and Lovino didn't want him going through what he did.

"Bye Alfred." Lovino mumbled quickly and grabbed Antonio, turning towards that door. Before Lovino could reach the door he was stopped by a strong hand on his wrist.

"You _will _be home at 3:10, or I _will_ find you." Alfred mumbled ominously into Lovino's ear.

"Bye." Lovino spat and dragged his oblivious companion.

"What was that about?" Antonio asked once they were far enough away from the house. "Your dad seems like a jerk." He added.

Lovino scowled and let go of Antonio's wrist. "He is not my dad." Lovino grumbled. "But he is a jackass… stay away from him ok? In fact," Lovino turned to Antonio. "Stay away from me. I am trouble. I am bad luck. No chance of friendship here ok?"

Antonio stared at Lovino with a very confused look before saying, "No." And grabbing Lovino by the wrist, leading him to the school.

"What?!" Lovino yelled, usually when he told people (Besides Alfred) to go away in that tone they never spoke to him again. Maybe this guy was just really stupid and Lovino needed to explain. "Yes! You need to stay away! I'll only get you hurt!"

Antonio just chuckled and shook his head. "You won't hurt me Lovino." He assured, continuing to walk down the street with the protesting Italian following close behind.

"And why the hell not?!"  
"Because you make my heart beat really fast," Antonio started. "I really like that feeling. Therefore I shall keep you as my friend as long as I live so the strange feeling in my chest will never go away."

Lovino couldn't believe it. They both had that feeling in their chests? It was a shared feeling, however Antonio obviously didn't realize what the feeling was. Lovino's heart did another backflip, He couldn't believe that someone else might truly want to be around him. He might actually get a real friend, and that excited Lovino, but it also made him super worried. What if Alfred tried to Take his new friend away from him and shove him that prison too?

"Promise me, if I agree to be you friend you won't ever go in my house again."

"Deal."

Lovino's story just might have a happy ending after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING! ONLY FOR MATURE ADIENCES! DON'T LIKE IT? DON'T READ**** LOVE YOU!**

_**Chapter two: Scared as hell.**_

So much for fucking happy endings.

Lovino screamed bloody murder as Alfred hit him harshly across his face. "What the hell was that this morning?!" Alfred demanded as he hit Lovino again. "Why the hell did you stand in front of him? Were you trying to save him? Ha! Love if I want him I will have him! I don't give a shit about your feelings!" Alfred shouted. Lovino was silent for a moment as he regained his courage and looked back up at his abuser. "Don't. Fucking. Touch. Him." He hissed and spit on Alfred. Alfred glared down at the teen and picked him up by his collar, "What if I touch you instead? He won't save you. He can't save you. Don't you see doll? You're stuck with me forever, and if you leave I will only find you again. You can never ever get away!" A childish smirk played with Alfred's features as he kissed Lovino roughly. "And," he hissed quietly once he pulled away from the squirming teen. "If he ever hears about this, I will kill your little boy toy." After thinking for just a moment Alfred giggled. "Why would he want someone as fucking useless as you anyway? You are nothing. You aren't attractive, you sure as hell aren't nice. So why would he want you? He probably doesn't. He would like Feliciano much better wouldn't he?" Alfred's words stung like a bee. Dammit, why did Lovino tell Alfred about his brother when they first met? He didn't know anymore, it didn't matter. Alfred was right. Who the hell in their right mind would want him? Want to be around him?

"Feliciano would be loved and adored by the little Spanish teen," Alfred continued. "Showered with love and affection like always, right Lovino? Antonio would kiss him and cuddle him while you're here, Antonio would laugh if you ever told him you liked him. You would be rejected, just like every other time." Alfred laughed and dropped the teen. "Well Lovino, this was fun. I'll see you tomorrow morning~!"

xXx

Lovino cried softly and slid down the bathroom's wall. He was trying to clean his new cuts from Alfred and cool down, but so far it wasn't working. Lovino knew Alfred was right. He had to be right, Lovino meant nothing to anyone. If he died no one would know but Alfred, and maybe Antonio but Antonio wouldn't care, he could find someone else. He could die. Lovino could escape this hell hole that substituted for a life. He could meet his grandpa in hell. Lovino sobbed at the thought of his grandpa, his grandpa always love Feliciano, he showered the damn kid with all the love he had while Lovino just sat and watched them draw or paint. Lovino always loved his grandpa but the feelings were never ever shared. Which hurt Lovino more the old bastard would ever know. Grandma used to love Lovino more then Feliciano, Grandma used to cook with Lovino and tell him no matter what Grandpa said that Lovino was the best, that no matter what anyone said Lovino was amazing. But then when Lovino turned 8 Grandma died and left Lovino alone with people who hated him.

"Dammit!" Lovino shrieked up at the ceiling. "Why the hell would you leave me here all by myself?!" he demanded the thin air. "Why?! It's all your damn fault! I loved you!" his tears felt like they were drowning him. "You made me feel ok! Like I could make it! Grandma! I can't make it! I never could make it! I was born to die!" Lovino sniffled and buried his hands in his hands. "Why? Why can't I be Feli? Why can't someone love me?"

Lovino bit his lip harshly and stood up, he searched the drawer under the sink for a few seconds before pulling out a small razor. He hadn't cut in at least one month but the pain in his chest wasn't something he could endure anymore. He felt so numb without that feeling the razor, he bled to make sure he was still alive. It felt good to know that no matter what as long as he could still cut himself and bleed he was still alive. Lovino lowered the razor to his wrist and frowned remembering when he was seven and his grandmother caught him cutting himself in the bathroom…

"_Lovino? Lovino!" Grandma screamed when she opened the door to find her grandson in the bath tub, blood filling the water around, his tear stained face tearing her heart into pieces._

_She ran to her grand-baby, crying now herself. "No, no, no…" Lovino stared at his grandmother sadly. "I'm sorry, mama… I couldn't take it…" he frowned down at his cuts. Mama picked him up and cradled him close to her chest. "No baby, your skin isn't paper don't cut it, your face isn't a mask don't cover it, your life isn't a move don't end it." She whispered._

Lovino cut once across his wrist.

_Once for mama,_

He cut again.

_Once for papa,_

Another cut.

_Once for Feliciano,_

Two cuts.

_Two for Antonio, how dare he make me feel loved,_

One more.

_And one for Alfie… so he knows how hard I try._

Lovino watched the red substance travel down to his elbow and drip onto the floor. The words perfect flashed in his mind. Perfect. Perfect. Death is perfection. The one time he can be himself, in death. In life he was nobody, he had to pretend. But in death, in death he could be who ever the hell he wanted. He stared at the blood and began to cry again. Alfred and Feliciano had taken everything from him. Everything and now? Now he was just a pile of insecurities and a mess of dried blood. Life was never going to get better. And to make it worse, he could only remember his favorite quote to calm him down.

_For who could ever love a beast?_

xXx


End file.
